i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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