After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
