i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
