Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The best revenge is premature balding
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
