arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
