guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
