ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
