i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
