if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
