Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
