alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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