Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
