i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
my shit smells like andre
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
