I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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