No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
