Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
