FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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