Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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