What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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