I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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