Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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