considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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