I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
