My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
