I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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