one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
