My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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