I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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