I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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