im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
