she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
