i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
