I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
