he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
