I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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