I just saw a hot homeless man
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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