I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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