I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just cut my nipple shaving
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
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Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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