I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Randomize
