He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
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