Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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