My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
