I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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