im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
