god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
