Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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