Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
