Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
