The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
