i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
