Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
