In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He felt like a one man threesome
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
then he tried to convert me to islam
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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