I am puke
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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