the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
