no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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