I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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