Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
