Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
