So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
