Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
