dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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