I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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