:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
