I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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