Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
